Hi everyone, I am writing this in hope to get some support. I have, quite literally, never lost a loved one. Yet.
I’ve been living with my partner for some time now, and we both take care of their cat. She’s the sweetest thing. They took her from the streets and they’ve done everything the vets ask. The poor cat was in a terrible state when they found it, but now over a year later she’s doing much better.
The problem is, the vets were always super upfront with this. She probably doesn’t have much time left. She had cancer and we had to have her ears amputated, but they said it was very likely to spread to other areas.
Recently we noticed her nose had the same stuff as her ears. And the only option is Chemo, which we agreed to not do it.
I know her death is inminent, and I am super scared. I’m gonna be heartbroken, but most importantly, my partner is gonna be as well. They have such a deep connections with animals, much stronger than anything I’ve ever felt or seen. I know our cat’s death won’t be “just a mascot passing away” for them.
So my question is, how do I support my partner when the time comes? How do I make sure that they don’t spiral into anything dangerous while making sure they keep up with uni? I’m very new to all of this. I’m not sure how impactful grieving is, I’m so scared :(
Don’t. Let them sort it out. Just be there.
The most frustrating thing, as a person who has had losses in life of family and friends, is other people’s compulsion to try to force you to be happy or punish you for your grief. It also is clear they odn’t care about you, they just care about your grief affecting them in a way they don’t like.
Let people be sad. It’s normal, it’s healthy. Grief is normal and it can last for weeks or months or years.
What you are doing here is called catastrophizing, assuming their life will spiral into collapse over the loss of a pet. Stop it. It won’t. They will be sad for a week or few, and they will move on. Stop trying to control the situation and control your partner.
This post isn’t about you helping them it’s about you having anxiety over their grief not being in your control.
Thank you, this is very helpful. We’ve had this conversation a couple of times. In stressful times, I often jump to offer all the support I can give, and sometimes they feel too overwhelmed because of that. They’ve told me that trying to normalize/downplay things help them cope with the situation better.
We are both kinda unstable due to our neurodivergensies, so my worry about a negative spiral is justified, as it has happened before (not as life ending, but a couple of rushed action with long-term consequences). But I will try not to manifest it into existence by letting them grieve at their own pace. Thank you again.
Then your job is to work on your own stability. You cannot support another person if you cannot support yourself.
To sort of piggyback, what about loss of people? A parent or spouse is usually a bigger deal to people, how to support those?
Lot of wisdom here. Well fucking said.