Throughout my adult professional life, I’ve encountered people who have a (to me, at least) very curious way of interacting with other people. They look at individuals as ‘resources’ and relationships as ‘transactions’. Picture a spider’s web of contacts where ‘Bob’ is replaced with ‘has tools I can borrow’ and ‘Melissa’ is replaced with ‘can get me into my favorite club without a cover charge’.
I’m trying my best to articulate this. It’s like these people only create relationships based upon what material gains it can offer them. They aren’t really interested in the PEOPLE so much as the ADVANTAGE a relationship with them affords. Does that make sense?
Now to me, this is very bizarre. I just don’t think this way, but I’m told that it’s quite common - almost ‘the norm’. Is this true? If so, I’m really bewildered by it. What do y’all think?
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That can be everything from narcissists to sociopaths or regulars underdeveloped or issues with the moral compass.
Narcissism.
As a teenage, I could sense some people only hung out with me because they could speak about certain interests they have. I was hoping it’d be different in adulthood
I’ve noticed that kids become adults, and a lot of them stop growing emotionally just after puberty, I have a fake face book profile that I occasionally check up on the people I grew up with, every one of them is exactly the same as they were at 18, they even were the same clothes. The only thing that has changed is there is a lot less hairspray and several of them are dead. They even all meet up every 4th of July, they invite me to it at every funeral I attend.
oh, do you mean basically anyone from LA? As it is so far the only group of people i have had the displeasure to run into anywhere on earth who will only talk to you if you have something to offer and take no social interest otherwise.
fuckin bizarre. I always have to work through a few trust issues after meeting someone from LA. I’ll have to do a few normal-human VS LA excersises so i can fit in with my own crew again. Otherwise my friends are like ‘no im legitimately interested in how your day went today, lets go grab a coffee and work through this. i legitimately like your company’ kinda reassurance. Remind myself ‘kindness’ actually exists as a fundamental human trait and isnt just a ploy.
aweful tribe over there. one place i will never visit on earth for my own sanity.
This is how children see the world.
Usually, people develop beyond this and see the utility of having relationships that are defined by their social depth, shared experiences and values, and aesthetic qualities.
Look also at Kohlberg’s stages of moral development. (Sorry for the Wikipedia article link. But, still, it’s a start. If I can find a different resource, I’ll edit.)
The people youre describing are stuck at stage 2.
As someone with a 5-year old, please define “children,” because that is definitely not how they see their friends. They had one other child at 2.5 years, in preschool, who they both just naturally GRAVITATED to each other - not because they were getting anything out of it than mutual friendship. That friend has since moved away, devastating, and they do have other friends, but all other friendships pale in comparison. It’s been amazing to watch how true friendship will just blossom randomly in the world.
“I’ve got friends I haven’t even used yet.”
business major
Yeah I’ve met people like that. I believe they’re normally called “psychopaths” for short. They tend to be concentrated in particular places and occupations and of course they will all tell you that it’s perfectly normal and that everyone else is also like that and just hiding it.
What’s the old saying? A monster cannot imagine someone better than themselves.
That’s why they project all the time.
Sociopath is more the clinical designation these days, but that’s assuming they lack certain emotions, or have the capacity to turn them off. OP could also just be describing highly transactional, self-interested people who’ve shut down their empathy in the quest to rise upward. There are some narcissists here, but there are also just a lot of assholes with no real pathology.
Opportunists? It’s how Danielle Smith in Alberta, Canada is often described.
Sales and Marketing seems to have a ton.
MBAs
I saw a clip from an interview with a “looks maxing” influencer. He was explaining how a date wasn’t really worth it unless he could stream it. The interviewer asked him “what about just hanging out with the girl and getting to know her”?
“where is the ROI in that”? 😱
I think it’s most common to call it a “transactional” personality – and the way of thinking is often called “transactionalism”, although that’s kind of unfortunate since that’s also the name of an approach within philosophical pragmatism. I’ve heard “instrumentalism” as well, which is also unfortunate in that it shares the name of a sort of pragmatist philosophical approach.
The latter term has been used some in discussions about kindergarten policy here in Norway, to criticize perspectives that only consider kindergartens, and childhood, to exist for the sake of adulthood or adult society.
When i was young, we called them leeches.
There’s a difference between people who are great to know because of their utility and being their friend because of it. That being said, in business it often is reduced to that. I think lots of business folks blend the line too much with the salesman approaches, playing golf, celebrating client milestones, etc. In some ways the people around you are your pool of potential friends, so it’s not that weird, but anyone with a checkbox for a mechanic, an electrician, an accountant, etc, Is just a user.
I work around a lot of talented and knowledgeable people, many of them are masters of their craft, and it spans white collar and blue. It’s a great place to learn and have enthusiastic conversations as a hobbyist or novice to a master. I think us all helping each other out is kinda beautiful in its own way, but if I felt they didn’t enjoy helping me for free then I wouldn’t ask.
Please allow me to clarify - I’m not talking about people who help and share with each other as the regular course of a friendship. That’s perfectly normal and should be encouraged - that’s how community is supposed to work. What I’m talking about are the people who are like…um…well, professional ‘gold-diggers’, if you will. Their ONLY interest lies in what they can get out of you. ‘Users’ might be a better term, I guess.
In my whole 800+ org, I can probably only think of 3 or 4, but they definitely meet the description you prescribe. It’s mostly people who burn through departments, friends, and patience of their coworkers.
Presidential
I mean I do this some, though I still respect that they are a person, but largely why we know each other is as cogs in the machine you know?
Like is Jerry is a cool guy, I hope he and his family settle into their new place in Canada, but to me, and if another coworker asked who he was, he is “the guy that resets my laptop when I lock it out”.
