I’m in a similar boat. I’ve been going to therapy for over 20 years. I’ve been with my wife for 13 years. She’s funny, creative, and widely beloved by almost everyone who meets her. At home, she’s emotionally hard to connect with. She’s never been to therapy and sees no reason to start because “nothing’s wrong with her.” She meets many of the stereotypes that we usually apply to men - can’t identify her emotions or claims she doesn’t have them, and doesn’t understand “why we have to talk about everything.” We’ve been to couples therapy a couple times and she generally hated it, saying the therapist made it seem like everything was her fault. I know I deserve a partner who will join me in processing hard stuff, but it’s been a very long road in trying to get there.

I support you supporting curiosity. If OP is asking in good faith, they deserve not to get torn apart.

That said, “racism” doesn’t only describe explicit disparagement of one race by another. Racism can also be a feature of language, systems, communities, etc.