The last good Alien movie, unfortunately.

Someone will be having a problem

Some people are bogon emitters. They radiate fundamental particles of cluelessness.

when I walk over it starts working

Some people are bogon absorbers.

When I was a boy and walking to the bus stop in winter to get to school, I used to stomp on frozen puddles to break the skin of ice. They don’t freeze any more.

Well, I was born here and I like it here. I’m using the heater because it’s late autumn and I leave the house at 6 AM. It’ll never get below freezing.

Getting colder by the day. I need my car heater for the drive to work.

I’m writing this from the most easterly country west of the dateline. Time zone GMT+12. It will be Friday here before anywhere else. It’s still Wednesday.

Wind turbine syndrome. People living below wind turbines suffer from headaches, dizziness, nausea, and loss of sexual function… but only if they’ve been told that people living below wind turbines suffer from headaches, dizziness, nausea, and loss of sexual function.

Scientists taught rats to drive rat-sized vehicles in exchange for treats. When then offered treats without needing to drive, three quarters of the rats preferred to operate the vehicle to get the treats.

Many of the trained rats were observed taking an unusual pose while watching the scientists set up their vehicles. The scientists had only seen the same pose before in rats that were high on opiates.

I think the most obvious conclusion to draw is that rats enjoy learning and using new skills when there’s a reward involved, and that often the skill itself is the reward.

Not having kids. I have hobbies, and money/time for them.

One of the previous popes called childless couples selfish. I say a never-married 70-year old operating the world’s largest paedophile welfare programme has nothing to say to me about child-rearing.

Love “Everybody Wants To Be An Astronaut” by Royal Republic. The rest of their music isn’t like that.

Our planet once ate another, smaller, planet.

There’s a pie in that soup, isn’t there - digger?

I used to have a tuna casserole recipe that came out of the oven completely grey. Grey fish, grey peas, grey cheese. Very tasty. Quite oily though, so probably best if I don’t rediscover the recipe.

No. Who the hell do those people think they are?

“Burn my ebook reader in a consecrated fire, that it might follow me into the afterlife. Don’t forget the charger cable.”

It’d be something on the kazoo, I’m sure.

Yup. Wash your hands with soap four times daily and you reduce your chance of catching a surface-borne disease by 80%

I work in a hospital and one Christmas I brought home gastric 'flu with me… that wasn’t a wonderful Yuletide for anyone.

August last year, when my cat went into advanced stage kidney failure and I chose to have her put to sleep. She had stopped eating and didn’t have the strength to support her own head at that point so not a difficult decision, but still very hard to accept.

Ask a Tongan why their grandparents don’t like Samoans.

Yep.