Sex the night I met her -> no problem
Sex with the window open for all to hear and see -> no problem
Me saying “god damn you’re hot” -> HUGE PROBLEM
So, which commandment did you break: using the Lord’s name in vain or bearing false witness?
The former; she was devilishly hot 😊
Devilishly so, you say? I think I found your problem, you twice-damned bastard. 😝
I grew up as a fundie, stopped being one while at an evangelical university but was still surrounded by them and do I have stories. By the time I was having sex, I’d largely given up any pretense of being a fundie, so I don’t have too many first-hand stories that are worth sharing (had my heart broken by a girl that I was deeply in love with, and she me, but she had “promised God that she wouldn’t date during her freshman year of college” and so abruptly ended things; I did not handle it well). But two stories of acquaintances I’ll share:
One guy was dumped by his (stunningly beautiful) girlfriend of several years for the simple fact that he admitted that he looked at porn once. Not habitually and not while he was with her. Just, at some point, he once saw porn (this was in the early internet days, so this was actually believable). And she said she was out.
The other story is a guy was making out with his girlfriend (also stunningly beautiful–apparently there’s a trend lol) who just stopped and said “I think we’ve been doing this too much and need to pray about it.” He goes, “okay” assuming that this was one of those, let’s take time to think/pray and then reconvene at a later date things. Nope. Right there in his car she starts “Lord Jesus, we pray to you this evening…” and he was like I guess this is what we’re doing now.
When you tell them that you love them, and their response is, how can you say you love me when you don’t know God? To her, because I don’t believe in God, my notion of love is different than her’s and it’s meaningless. Essentially when I told her I loved her, my version of love didn’t involve God in any way or have any reference to God’s love, so it’s not as powerful.
The funny part is, we’re no longer together because she cheated on me with another so-called Christian.
The correct way to say you love them is, “God and I are both in this bed, fucking you raw right now. Praise Jesus!”
Oh man, say it ain’t so.
Glad you are out of that.
She would say weird shit like “I love you with Christ’s love,” and I never knew how to respond. When she got turned on, though, all that Jesus shit went right out the window and she was like, boy, that thing is going in every hole I’ve got.
It only lasted a couple months. But goddamn what a wild couple of months.
While English has largely commingled conditional and unconditional love, as a Christian I feel obligated to point out that Jesus definitely doesn’'t love you because He wants to fuck you.
Are we not doing phrasing anymore?
When they’re attracted enough, all the rules go out the window.
That carnal sin of the flesh has a nice little sound to it when a human wants to nut
There’s a documented thing where a lot of things we normally would think are “icky” we will overlook when aroused.
At no point should anal seem interesting. Hormones go up. Brain go dumb. It doesn’t really take much digging to find “documentation”, just keep watching whatever it is for an extra 5 minutes
Lived im Utah for a few years in my late teens. Lets just say the rumors about “it doesn’t count” are true.
I’ll just post a link to the Wikipedia article on soaking and leave it at that.
Worth it for the informative illustration alone.
I’ve never dated one myself, but I used to work with an (allegedly) extremely devout woman who was at the time “living in sin” with a man. When asked about the apparent conflict, she would say that “God would understand” because they intended to get married at some point in the undefined future. You know, God, that famously understanding deity.
I saw some couple on the news that got married and still don’t have sex because they think it makes them more pious. The guy said when he’s super horned up he bites into a raw potato! LOL
I suppose different sects have different beliefs and traditions, but when I was in church (Southern Baptist), I was told that once you are married, you’re free to go nuts with your spouse as far as the Bible was concerned.
There are some parts of Christianity that believe that sex should be purely for procreation. Monty Python did a whole song 'n dance about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk
Have you ever heard a piece of furniture described as “shaker?” A shaker chair, a shaker table?
The United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing, more commonly known as the Shakers, were one of the several sects of Christians peculiar to the American Northeast. They lived in communes away from the rest of society. They’re the other side of the coin from the Amish or Mennonites; they weren’t deliberately primitive, they shunned no technology and in fact counted among their numbers inventors and mechanics. They did do the “decoration for its own sake is evil” thing, they avoided making or owning things they didn’t need, but the things they did need were built very well, with high quality materials and designed to pleasing proportions. They were weirdly progressive in some ways; though work was assigned along gender roles with women cooking, cleaning and doing laundry and men working in fields or workshops, women were as welcome to lead the church as men. “Sister” was equal in rank to “Brother.”
They were also celibate to a fault. They were so celibate, men and women didn’t walk up the same flight of stairs. Which is why this lecture was delivered in the past tense. As of 2025 there were three active members in the United Brotherhood Of Jeesyboy’s Secret Treehouse Club Or Whatever.
I remember that sketch, good stuff.
i found out they shoved a knife up their vag to pierce their hymen because they wanted to ‘give their virginity to Jesus’, instead of me, and I guess if they gave it to Jesus they it was OK to have sex with me. and of course they basically loved having sex with me, but would cry about how sinful it was afterwards… at least the first few months.
i only found this out after we broke up. we had been together 5 years.
Yikes. That made me think of the “let Jesus fuck you” scene from The Exorcist. So thanks for that horrifying idea.
i found out they shoved a knife up their vag to pierce their hymen because they wanted to ‘give their virginity to Jesus’,
Wow, and I thought my first time was pretty lousy…
The folks in church said “in Jesus’ name we say amen” and your ex misheard it as “in Jesus’ name we stab hymen.”
Sex is only for reproduction between men and women. I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life!
