My mother: My best friend Ruthy was the sort of person who thought a best friend was someone who gives you their last tab of speed during exams. My best friend in highschool, hearing this: So you had speed in highschool? My mother: oh ugh um ahh well.

My mother also advised us that if we thought a bar was watering down drinks we should order black russians because vodka is more alcoholic but kahlua is more expensive. Also never buy white rum because you might as be drinking vodka - this was meant as an insult to both vodka and white rum.