Are friends just supposed to be like a TV? You talk to them when it’s convenient for you and you can’t think of something else to do?
I’ve just realized all the people I thought were my friends only talk to me on their schedule, when they feel like it. I’m left on read for days, meetings are ignored, text message conversations just end abruptly until they get back from vacation…
Is this it? Is this what friendship is? Because I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel like I have people to rely on only to find out that I’m just a convenience for people.
Middle-aged with middle-aged friends. I’ve definitely had friction with friends who get married and only want to hang out with married friends and then, later, childed friends who only want to hang out with other childed couples.
But I think everything you’re talking about falls under the “friend group of convenience”. I’m talking about a real connection with an individual person that transcends that.
Real friends can fall into these groups as well is the thing.
I personally don’t have spare energy to maintain active friendships with the dozens of people I’m close with, but I don’t expect anything from them either since we’re both burdened and I don’t care less about them just because we haven’t talked. If they are a true friend of mine it will be like a day has not passed between us.
Another thing is some people can feel awkward about reaching out if it’s been some time as well.
If you have a lot of friends to pick from, you can probably have someone return your call in a pretty short amount of time… that’s nice because you never feel like a burden to anyone. But why should reaching out to a friend feel like a risky proposition that you have to manage?
Someone reaching out isn’t burdensome for me; I feel it’s only emotionally draining if someone calls back to back really quickly after a conversation or keeps me on the phone for over thirty minutes around meal times and I’m trying to exit the conversation.
What does feel risky for me is taking a chance to reach out to someone after a long time and they cut the connection entirely then and there. The relationship was likely severed a while ago but that confirms it in that moment. Much more often though it’s because that friend is from a specific time in my life and things have changed for them or for me and we haven’t really had a chance to sort out changed dynamics of the friendship. Missing/not reaching out during/after important things can sour some friendships too.