Well that got real REAL quick.

Well for starters I’ve never found a penis that I can stick MY penis in.

Continuing to give a shit as the entire system collapses.

KC for barbecue; at least a few of the bigger ones will ship.

Back when I started running (and it sounds like I was in worse shape than you) I’d do 30 minutes, but strictly regimented times - jog for one minute, walk for one minute. Then 1.5/1.5, 2/2, etc. I think around 5 the break time froze, but the jog time increased. Eventually I found I didn’t need the whole break and started decreasing it.

Following that pattern, I think it took a month or so for 30 without pain. Then comes increasing the speed, aiming for distance instead of time.